13 Thoughts on Jurassic World

It’s hard to say what I liked best about this movie. Did I like the all the homages to the first film? Did I like watching Chris Pratt douse himself in gasoline? Did I like watching Nick Miller wear a mustache and make witty comments? Yes, yes, and yes.

As I would have loved to have live-tweeted my cinematic experience, I’m a kind-hearted viewer who follows the no cell-phones rule. So, I’ve compiled my thoughts into a meme-filled masterpiece.

1. Mercedes must have paid up the ass for all this screen time. Come on, dinosaurs, don’t sell out.

Hold onto Your butts2. The first mention of using raptors in warfare. What!? I mean, inevitably, it worked. Kind of. I thought I had misheard Hoskins when he said it. Was he seriously considering using raptors in Iraq? I don’t know Hoskins and Jurassic World screenwriters. Not sure I buy it.

3. Chris Pratt imprints on the raptors. Twilight really ruined this word for me. All I can think of is Jacob imprinting on infant Renesmee. Something that I still find very, very, very creepy.

4. After the kids are attacked in the gyro-sphere, Claire and Owen begin to search for them, and Claire comes across Zach’s broken phone. She falls to her knees, stares at a cracked smart-phone screen and cries. There’s no blood or torn clothing to signal that they’d been killed. She just cries over a broken phone. But hey, who hasn’t?

Laura Dern JP5. Ah, the homages. It’s like I was three years old watching the original Jurassic Park when the resurrection of dinosaurs was the technology and the creation of hybrid dinosaurs was as distant as a hovercraft. This time, I watched Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard ease a brontosaurus into death and I remembered the tears that dripped down my toddler cheek as the triceratops lay sick in the field. This scene is what spiked my love for animals.

6. When Bryce Dallas Howard unbuttoned her shirt, and retied it like Laura Dern’s effeminate 90’s fashion, I almost clapped. Okay, I actually clapped.

7. The guy who saved the margaritas is my hero. My friends tell me that was Jimmy Buffett. More sponsorship.

Neman Dino8. The ultimate homage: the villain killed by the dinosaur it despised. As in the first film, Dennis (the guy stealing dino DNA) taunted a Dilophosaurus. Later, it shot poisonous venom in his eyes–killing him. In Jurassic World, Hoskins was killed by a raptor, the dino he was trying to tame. Note: Whilst being attacked, the raptor pushed Hoskins through a hologram of a Dilophosaurus.

9. BD Wong! How could you?

10. Claire wore heels the entire movie. Suspension of disbelief. Maybe she could run from a t-rex in heels and maybe she could wear them through the entire downfall of the park. Pterodactyl dodging and all. Woman in heels are stronger than people think. What she definitely could not do is run through the jungle in heels. They would sink into mud Golbum Shit JPand dirt. She would fall. She would lose a shoe. She would break a heel. She would not be able run through a jungle wearing heels. I can’t even walk across my yard in them without falling down.

11. Jake Johnson was the best character. Sorry to Chris Pratt and all his sexy glory, but Jake Johnson wore a t-shirt from the original park. Was denied a heroic kiss at the end. Rocked dinosaur figurines. Had a super-thick mustache in Costa Rica, and he saved the day.

Mean Girls Bully12. I feel bad for the hybrid dinosaur. He was scared and alone. He finally made a few raptor friends before they turned their backs on him. Everyone was rooting against him and constantly shooting at him. The classic story of a bullying victim.

13. Jeff Goldblum was the only thing missing from this film, but Jake Johnson was a solid replacement.

Overall assessment: I would never survive a dinosaur attack, but I would save my margaritas.

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